**Today’s post is a guest post by Ryan E.**
I want to preface this post with a disclaimer. It is not my intention to talk down to anyone or to subcommunicate that I’m better or worse than anyone here. This is simply an observation and the things I think it takes to be a man of value. Anyone that knows me on a more personal level knows that it is never my intention to tear anyone down.
We spend a lot of time talking, but I don’t think we spend nearly enough time talking about what’s truly important: you. I’ve seen take groveling, pathetic, sad men and turn them into straight up sex machines. But, I’ve also seen that some of these very sex machines that we all, either are or aspire to become have no real substance, no depth, no value. Outside of their interactions with women, many guys are, to be blunt, low value. Harsh words I know, but the truth nonetheless.
You can be low value and still bed mass quantities of women (the quality of these women will more than likely be suspect). Run some lines, use powerful body language, exude confidence, be fun, be sexual, build attraction and you will bed her. Whether or not you have anything else going for you in your life is of absolutely no concern while you’re ˜gaming” a girl. We have entire toolkits devoted to skirting around the subject of who we really are. These toolkits exist as a band-aid to allow low value men to bed women.
Why Value is Important?
I’m of the belief that everything in our world can be described in terms of value. You didn’t get that job you so badly wanted? It’s because you didn’t offer enough perceived value to make a fair trade, the value of their money was greater than the perceived value of your skills, time, and abilities (notice I said ˜perceived’). The same holds true for meeting women. If you can’t show a girl enough perceived value, she’s never going to want to ˜buy” you. I’ll explain:
I’m a formally trained economist and as such I tend to view the world through the theories and laws of economics. Most people think of economics as the study of money and finance, chalked full of complex math and equations. This is partly true in more advanced economics, but the basics have nothing to do with numbers. The definition of economics is the study of the allocation of scarce resources. This can literally be applied to everything in our world that has any level of value, not just money. So, read that again. The allocation of scarce resources. Hmm. Scarce resources. Could this possibly apply to women? The answer is simple: yes.
One of the fundamental principles of economics is that all transactions are voluntary. Individuals decide to buy, sell, or trade a good or service because they believe that by doing so they will be better off than if they did not. If I buy a drink for $5, then I feel as if I’m getting at least $5.01 of value in return. In other words, the happiness I get from the drink outweighs the cost of said drink. Even taxes work this way. Yes, the government forcefully takes our money. But, we still choose for this to happen. The alternative to not engaging in the transaction is jail. Therefore, the value of the money you forfeit to the government is worth less than the cost of going to jail. You benefit, therefore you pay your taxes. It becomes voluntary even if it seems as if it is not.
Relationships are the same. Everyone in the world is simultaneously a buyer and a seller in the realm of personal relationships. We all possess qualities and characteristics that make us attractive to other people. Pick-up teaches us how to display those qualities and how to develop other qualities that are typically considered to be universally appealing. When we’re confronted with a new person, we subconsciously assess that individual based on their offerings. We ascribe a value to them and then we compare their value to our perceived value. If we believe that their value is as high as or higher than ours then we decide to ˜buy” them. Normally, we begin to try to “sell” ourselves to them (it can be very subtle or obvious given the person and their social saavy). This is highly ambiguous I know but its how relationships work.
Think about all of the friendships you’ve ever made. Usually you befriended people that possessed qualities that you put a premium on. If you enjoy being around people that are witty and funny but dislike people that are serious and intellectual which group do you think you’ll surround yourself with? You’re not going to buy a bunch of nails when you need screws, so why surround yourself with the latter group when you prefer the company of the former? You won’t. Everyone is this way (unless otherwise stymied by strong peer pressure or social mores). More than this, you’ve got to have more to you in order to keep people around. Just being funny and witty will get you an audition, but it won’t necessarily get you the part. Once you’ve shown someone that you possess the essential qualities they seek in an individual, then you have to show them that there is more to you than just wit and humor (or whatever characteristics we’re talking about). In short, you’ve got to show them that you are worth their time. You have to make the trade a fair one.
(Note that I’m talking a lot about how others assess you. From the above, it appears as if my theory on personal relationships is one in which we are constantly selling ourselves to others. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I believe the exact opposite. But, that doesn’t mean that this mechanism still doesn’t exist in our world and this still isn’t the way people process others. I advocate a policy of being yourself at all times without regard to whether or not someone wants to “buy” you. Stay true to you, show the world who you are, and the people that want to be part of your life will let you know. It is this dynamic that actually gives you a tremendous amount of power.)
Summing up. Value is important because it is the currency that facilitates the creation and development of personal relationships. The value of a person is infinitely complex, but I think there are certain things that you can do that can change your value. Value is not merely limited to what God given traits you posses. Value can be created and it can be destroyed, it’s fluid. Value cannot be capped. Value is something you have to earn and then, once earned, maintain.
How Do You Build Value?
There are a lot of things that one can do to create value for themselves. I’ve identified a handful of things that I think are the most effective and obvious to making yourself a more valuable person:
1. Life Experiences. Ever see that Dos Equis commercial with the “world’s most interesting man?” What do you think allowed him to earn that moniker? I imagine a man that has experienced all kinds of things. He’s gone mountain climbing, skydiving, travelled cross country, been abroad, etc. He’s seen and experienced the world. Most people don’t ever leave the TV. I can’t imagine a man like this even has one. Get up, get out in the world, be curious, and get in the mix. There is so much in the world to experience¦so, go do it!!! It really is that simple.
2. Constant Improvement. I think this is fairly obvious to creating value. You need to embrace the mentality that you can always be better tomorrow than you are today. This is the grind that is our lives. Everyday do something that you feels makes you a better person. This can be anything. Every night when you go to sleep, you should ask yourself this question: Did I do everything I possibly could do today? Did I leave it all on the field? If the answer is yes, I think it’s fair to say that you got just a little better today than you were yesterday. Also, remember that the thing that separates successful people from less successful people is the willingness to do just a little more. So, put in that extra hour at the office, stay on the treadmill an extra 5 minutes, stay up an extra 20 minutes feeding your mind with knowledge, approach just one more girl. You get the idea.
3. Facing Your Flaws/Fears. No one knows you better than you. I spent a lot of my life being miserable over one thing or another but never did I acknowledge the things that were causing this misery. I always had an excuse for not facing the things about myself that I genuinely hated because it was too painful and hard to admit that I had to change than it was to just create excuses. Eventually, I wised up and faced the things in my life that I always ignored. It sucked, it was painful, but it was also exhilarating. I dealt with my shit by facing it head on. Now, I spend a lot of time self-reflecting. When I see something that I don’t like, guess what? I face it head on, like a man, and whip it in the ass until I’m no longer unhappy with the issue. For example, I recently took a sabbatical to reflect on my ability. I started becoming less fulfilled with mine and the game in general. I realized while I was on the sidelines not meeting women that I felt this way because mine had become poisonous. I was being too cruel and rough with women, I didn’t respect them which caused me to lose respect for myself. So, I recalibrated my game. Put back aspects of it that I had abandoned because I thought they were too chumpish. Now, meeting women is beginning to be fun again. Because I’m being me. I needed time to face this flaw in my ability. I did and now I feel like I’m on the road back.
4. Change Your Cover. Ever hear the saying: never judge a book by its cover? Yeah, well so has everyone else. And, almost no one damned abides by that little idiom. As a matter of fact, it’s an idiom precisely because no one ascribes to it. If everyone didn’t judge a book by its cover we’d have no need for the saying. So, since people aren’t going to change the way they judge others that means you’re going to have to change. It sucks doesn’t it? But, it’s all part of being a man of value. Here’s what you do:
a. Hit the gym, girls like muscles and so will you. Working out improves mental health, reduces stress, and makes you look much better in the new wardrobe that you’re more than likely going to have to develop.
b. Start eating healthy. Get rid of fatty foods. Say goodbye to pizza and chicken wings, say hello to salads and grilled foods. Other guys will give you shit about it, but that’s OK because they’re fat bastards that haven’t seen their wang in 2 years.
c. Hygiene. This covers so many areas that I could write about it for pages, but here’s just a few:
i.Make sure that you’ve got straight, clean teeth. If you have a jacked up grill, no worries. Most adults can get white, straight teeth within a year.
ii.If you have an abundance of body hair (i.e. you look like you’re wearing a sweater, front and back), seriously consider getting it waxed, lasered, or otherwise taken care of.
iii.No uni-brows guys, if I see one more guy with a uni-brow I’m going to pull out my tweezers and pluck you right there in the venue.
iv.Get a respectable hair cut. What this means is that you should visit a stylist at least once. Have them teach you how to style your hair and how to have it cut in the future. After that, you can probably get by with $15 SportClips¦although I would advise against it.
v.If you’re pale, get a tan. If you’ve got acne, go to the doctor and get it taken care of.
vi.If you wear glasses make sure you’re wearing stylish glasses. A man that wears glasses should always get complimented on how sexy or cool they are. I know I get positive comments all the time.
vii.Keep your nails short and trimmed and don’t be afraid to hit up a nail salon for a manicure, pedicure, facials: it’s a great place to pick up chicks.
viii.Body odor, sweating, etc. Some guys have real issues with BO and sweat. If you do, go see a doctor and explain the situation. There are a number of products available to guys that sweat too much.
ix.This isn’t about your body, but it is hygiene related. Keep your place clean. This goes for your car too. Pick shit up, don’t leave dishes and trash lying around, and make sure that both places smell good. Keep your bed made at home and keep your bathroom as clean as possible. After all, if you treat the things you own poorly then it sub-communicates that you do the same with the people in your life.
d.Dress for success. Clothes don’t make the man necessarily, they make the man look better. They also can act as a way of distinguishing yourself from the crowd. Develop your own style based on your body type and preferences. If you can’t decide, then just buy a couple of pair of jeans that fit (get them tailored if you have to), a couple of black t-shirts that fit, black button up shirts that fit, sunglasses, and a black blazer that fits. There, you’ve got a look now. And, this is a look that can be easily pulled off: see David Duchovny’s character in Californication.
5. Find Something To Do. Fill your life with hobbies or, God forbid, a life calling. Build a career. Start a business. Learn to play the guitar. Finish school. Become an avid stamp collector. Anything. Find your passion and pursue it with as much vigor as you would that hot brunette in the book store. Find out that one (or multiple) thing(s) that stoke a fire in your mind and in your heart, then make it a central aspect of your life. Men of value of have other things they’re passionate about BESIDES the girl in their bed at the moment.
6. Step Outside Your Comfort Zone. You never grow unless you do things that make you uncomfortable. Say goodbye to the safety of the normal, to the expected, to the understood and start seeking out situations, people, experiences that challenge you, that scare you. Funny thing about stepping out of your comfort zone, once you do it on a regular basis it no longer becomes un-comfortable.
7. Knowledge Empowers You. No one likes to talk to an idiot. So, get accustom to learning. Finish your education or start one. Read a book instead of watch TV. Become inquisitive. Ask Why? And then figure it out. We live in the land of tomorrow. Get on the Net and Google whatever it is that you want to learn about. For example, today I wanted to learn exactly how George Soros cornered several currency markets¦hello Google. Also, learn how to speak in an intelligent fashion. If you have a limited vocabulary, then figure out a way to expand it. The way you speak, construct your sentences, and the words you use are huge indicators of your intelligence. People think I’m a whole lot smarter than I truly am, precisely because I sound intelligent.
Women are NOT the Answer
This brings me to my next point. If you think that meeting women is going to be the answer to reverse a life of mediocrity then you’re sadly mistaken. The skills you learn here are very valuable in the world, but most high value people already possess these skills. You’re just playing catch up. After being exposed it seems like you can conquer the world or that you know something that no one else does, but reality is something different entirely. People have been meeting women forever. We refer to guys who started early and are good as naturals. But, I contend there are so many types of naturals, they just play different games. But, what about that guy that understands how to speak in public? Or the girl that just gets it when it comes to generating excitement and creating entertainment? Or the guy that simply understands how to make money? These people are naturals too, and they all possess the same social skills. The difference is that they apply their skill set to different aspects of life. Keep learning and perfecting these skills and understand that they are just a means to a much bigger end: and if you think by end I mean the ass of the hot blonde at the bar then you are blind my friend.
Live Your Life for You
I think this is self-explanatory, but I’ll elaborate a little. Everything you do and say should be because it’s something you want to do. There is a dark side to meeting women that teaches you how to manipulate others without an ounce of sincerity. It’s easy to succumb to that temptation, but it’s not a road you want to go down. Instead understand that you are an attractive man of value and as such that’s all you really need in order to be successful in whatever endeavor you choose. If you’re “gaming” a girl, you’re not doing it right. If you live your life for you, if you strive to be a man of value you will attract girls without ever doing anything. It’s Ok to get lost in yourself, to entertain yourself, to live your life for yourself. This type of mentality is incredibly attractive to other people and you’ll find that you attract people by merely being yourself.
When I’m talking to women, I simply don’t try to break the interaction down. I go with the flow. I’m going to make mistakes. But, I don’t apologize for them. For example, I was recently talking to a girl that was an 8 on looks. She had a slight speech impediment, most people do. So, I usually bust on them a little bit once I discover their impediment. I tell them how cute it is then tease them a little; it always works because it’s congruent to my personality. Anyway, this girl was actually deaf. She had hearing aids and everything and her impediment wasn’t really bad, but it was noticeable. Did I apologize? No. I said holy shit, I’ve said that to so many people in my life and I’ve always wondered when I would say to someone with a REAL impediment. Don’t you see?!?!? I’ve been waiting for you for my whole life! She laughed, she knew I was sorry, and we moved on. This was a huge stumble, but I still recovered because I didn’t back down. I didn’t apologize and cower like a dog.
My point is that I always stay true to my personality. I say what I want, when I want. It’s better to ask for forgiveness then for permission. I suppose that’s my mentality. I’ll just do whatever and deal with the repercussions at a later date. All because I’m living my life for me.
Let Go
I struggled with including this last part but I think in many ways it’s a very important aspect of meeting women but also the single most sensitive. In my experience, most guys are jacked up because they were gravely wronged along the way by a woman, or women in general. Some of the stories I’ve heard about the way some guys have been treated in the past truly are horrifying. You’ve got to let that shit go. Too many guys use it as a platform for revenge. This is plain wrong and incredibly unhealthy. Yes, you got a raw deal. I’m sorry, I truly am. But, don’t turn into a vengeful womanizer just because you have the opportunity to strike back. A man of value never uses someone else in a malicious manner. A man of value doesn’t hold grudges or seek out revenge. A man of value understands that just because you can doesn’t mean you should. When a man of value is hurt or burned or wronged he simply moves on because he knows that he deserves better and he’s going to go into the world and stake his claim.
I think most of us are on the path to becoming a man of value, I think that’s the end goal. But, I can’t stress the importance of becoming a well rounded person. Learn these social dynamics with women, learn to use them all the time, then find something else to conquer.
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Ryan E. is a financial wizard and a serious kickball player.
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